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| It's from Rhino records, so even more 40K related! |
Yesterday we had a post about how Games Workshop has started including some extra hype along with newer units on their online store. This raised a few eyebrows (even in some cases a double raised eyebrow!), and brought about the following suggestion from Papa JJ:
Oh please oh please oh please I hope they go back and add uh... characterful... text like this for all the other units available. Wow, just think how awesome the write-up for Chaos Spawn would be.I think that's a great idea. So let's do it! Hype contest!
"Remember the terrified look on your opponents face when you first placed your writhing, misbegotten horde of Chaos Spawn on the tabletop? Or the disbelieving expressions you received when pointing out that they don't even take up a spot in your FOC? Oh wait, that never happened... sorry. Hahahahaha, joke's on you! Kit comes with enough pieces to assemble two complete Chaos Spawn per box."
Pick one of the more maligned 40K units and give it a one or two paragraph hyped-up blurb like GW did for the Stormraven and Furioso (see previous post for links if needed). Post your overhyped tripe in the comments for us all to see and laugh at.
But what's a contest without prizes? We have the greatest* prizes in the history of gaming, nay the world! These will knock your socks off!** Be sure you're sitting down, take a hit from your inhaler and have the shock paddles handy before reading further!
The winner will have the choice of:
- Tac squad and captain from the Assault on Black Reach set.
- 20 on-sprue Catachan Jungle Fighters (excess from the Scythiak project)
- Tamiya 1/35 M41 Walker Bulldog tank kit, unopened
- 5 built, unpainted RTB01 Space Marines with bolters, perhaps useful as a small Sternguard squad?
- Steel Legion lascannon team and Imperial Guard Commissar (axe and hand flamer) both in blisters.
* Subjective and unrealistic assessment.
** If you use the physical items to do so yourself.
(Zzap Gun) Remember the terror of your opponents when you deployed your zzap guns as far forward as possible? As the only weapons in the game that could automatically hit when in range and with an AP of 2 meant even their variable strength was of no concern. Marines, Terminators, and even the occasional tank all fell to the mighty zzap gun! Not anymore! With the updated Ork codex, your trusty zzap guns got a 50% increase in range PLUS a 50% increase in the chance to miss their targets and miss they do! Frequently! Combined with their variable strength and the inability to be repaired if disabled, they’re now next to useless. Imagine the disbelief and confusion on your opponent’s face, when he sees you blatantly wasting both points and a heavy support slot on the most ineffective artillery pieces in the game! With zzap guns in play, your games will now be filled with sound of hysterical laughter, but none of it will be coming from you!
ReplyDeleteGreat! Your odds look good so far!
ReplyDelete(on the Pyrovore) Remember the look of terror on your opponent's face when you deployed this bad boy Tyranid? Able to move 6 whole inches a turn, it won't be long until entire squads fall to the might of the Flamespurt bio-weapon! And for extra hurt they explode when they die(1)! You can take up to 3 in each Elite slot, so you can buy up to 9 of them for just 405 points to make your opponent really squirm! And don't worry if they enter combat, 'cause with their mighty Claws and Teeth weapons, they can do serious damaage and make the enemy think again! With Pyrovores in play, you can laugh like a real pyromaniac, as while your Pyrovores amble aimlessly forward your other, more important units go up in smoke! This metal, WEB EXCLUSIVE kit makes one Pyrovore.
ReplyDelete(1)(in small print): Pyrovores may not necessarily explode. Explosion varies upon whether instakill firepower is used on them. GW does not accept any resposibility for non-exploding Pyrovores. Please use responsibly.
(on the exclusive flash git)
ReplyDeleteDo you often dream of fielding the most brutal firearm based miasma of chaos ever to turn green? Do you also consider it a necessity to spend a serious quantity of points fielding this literally average quantity of firepower within an army known for having BS 2. And finally, do you long for days gone buy when it was normal to field whole units using the same model?
Well now you can fulfill all your desires with this single WEB EXCLUSIVE flashgit model. Flashgitz are just perfect for sowing anoyance and confusion on the battle field. Your opponent will be so disabled with confusion and annoyance that he is likely to forget his main battle plan or just give up altogether.
The stunning mediocrity of the snaz gun is just perfect for reflecting the performance that you are likely to receive from this unit time and time again. For the low low price of £10.25, you can proudly display your deficiencies in taste and common sense in no time.
(small print)
Make sure you never leave home without this unit as it is likely that your wife or partner will mistake it for a pile of cat turds and throw them away.
Some say it was originally sculpted from pure awesome, and that the six hundred and sixty sixth casting blows the mould every time. Some say it comes in so many parts to make for easy wreckage terrain for the one in three occasions when it has the courtesy to leave any. Some even say that it has a vague chance of depositing its stupid, fragile cargo where you want them to go, instead of killing them all in an embarrassing explosion or dumping them at the wrong end of your deployment zone and THEN killing them all.
ReplyDeleteAll we know is, it's called the Trukk.
(Kroot) Have u ever dreamed of fielding hordes of carnivore hunters! ME NEITHER!!!! but im sure you need these models for some reason. um.... lets see, you could use them for close combat. yeah thats it, close combat! your tau army can now give up kill points even faster with new and improved kroot carnivore squads. Just put them on the board and you will be the most popular player in the store as players line up to squash your army into oblivion. Pickup Kroot today and you can be sure, that well.......at least you'll have something to paint.
ReplyDelete(daemonhost)
ReplyDeleteThe horrors of the warp aren't limited to just chaos! Let your Radical Inquisitor unleash the fearsome power of the mighty Daemonhost. Watch your opponent sweat as it teleports around the table, flies into close combat and tears apart everything, all before regenerating any lost wounds. What price would you pay for such a monstrosity? How about not being aloud to take any Grey Knights in your army? But with the Daemonhost at your disposal, Grey Knights look like mere toys.
Your opponents will quake in their boots at the terrible, glorious sight of the Tau Devilfish. Can you see it now? In your imagination? Can you?!
ReplyDeleteMoving at blistering speeds* across the battlefield, the Devilfish can use its one Burst Cannon to annihilate anything within range. It'll be all like "Pew! Pew! Pew!" and your enemies will be all "Oh, noes! Three S5 shots! Calamity!!" but then you'll say "Yeah, and I got Drones, dude! DRONES!!!" before you realize that they cost you an extra Kill Point for some reason. And they're basically useless. So you cry a little.
Imagine: all this can be yours for only twice as many points as a Razorback.
Also, you can't shoot out of it. Just sayin'.
*Note: vehicle is not actually fast, and is relatively unlikely to survive any kind of concentrated effort against it. But come on... it's a Devilfish. That's a cool name, right?
Right?
(Swooping Hawks) Ever fielded a squad of flying blue space elves? Well now you can, and what's more, they have a toughness of THREE! Yes folks, that's a whole point of toughness more than Gretchin! As if that wasn't enough, they have a 4+ save, which is nearly as good as the mighty Space Marines! What's more, these troops, which I've found to be as survivable as TH/SS terminators, have an amzing points cost of ONLY 21 points! And with their lovely jump packs, you can deepstrike them right where the enemy's lasguns can do the most damage.
ReplyDeleteWhat's more, they are equpipped with Haywire Grenades, so if you deepstrike them next to an enemy tank, and you don't land on it, and you don't land on anything else, and you don't fail your deepstriking test, and you don't get killed by the tank, and you don't get killed by the tank's support units, and you get to charge the tank, and you can roll a six, and you can roll a five after that six, you can KILL A TANK!
LAUGH! As your Eldar deepstrike in front of the enemy.
CRY! When they inevitably get killed before doing anything useful.
SOB! When they do the same thing next game
SOB SOME MORE! When they repeat this stunning feat yet again.
GIVE UP! When after a dozen games, they still haven't killed anything.
Swooping Hawks, now available on every competitive player's 'useless' shelf.
(Possessed) Did you ever wonder why you couldn't sleep at night? Why you were afraid to close your eyes? Remember that feeling of dread and adrenaline whilst watching your favorite scary movie? You can now invoke these feelings in your opponent by using the brand new, now 50% better, Chaos possessed! Watch your opponent quiver when you tell him you have a 5+ invulnerable save, YOU DON'T NEED COVER! See his hackles rise as you casually move them forward 6" after you randomly roll scout for your ability. See him tremble at their tentacley porn arms! Don't wait, ORDER TODAY!
ReplyDelete(Fire Warriors)Prepare to see your opponent, everyone in store and within 50 yards face literally melt off when he sees that you brought the minimum compulsory unit of six fire warriors; which by themselves could blast an entire unit of 10, yes TEN terminators from the table*. But we ask why bring the minimum six of the greater goods finest warriors when you have the ability to take 72.
ReplyDeleteThe prowess of fire warriors at ranged combat is only matched by their hand to hand abilities, by equipping with pulse carbines you get the best of both worlds, shooting and assault in which they will be able to slaughter anything up to and including gretchin** Do not leave home without them as you cannot play Tau otherwise.
*Actual results may vary
**GW cannot be held responsible for fire warriors.
Beautiful stuff so far folks. Had I been drinking milk, it would have been spewing out of my nose!
ReplyDeleteOn a side note, it's interesting seeing what people consider the worthless units.
(Avatar of Khaine) Watch your enemies quake in fear at the site of this monster making its way a terrifying 6inches a turn across up to 2foot worth of no mans land towards there fire line. Able to shrug off all melta and flamer weapon attacks, all this guy has to fear is every other anti-tank, anti-tank/heavy infantry, and destructive ranged psyker power in the game.
ReplyDeletedont forget this bad boy is inspiring to all guardian units within 12inches. so make sure you surround him with as many of these short ranged squads that will offer no cover save to this monstrous creature, as he makes his slow miandering pace towards your opponents gunline, which onces there, will wreak havok on all units that stay outside of cover that dont have power weapons of any sort, close range/combat psyker powers, high initiatives, feel no pain, high armour valued vehicles....
at only 155points this last turn of the game wonder wont bust your points budget, and with all the actually threatening units in your army this guy may actually get a chance to do something other than die by the end of 2nd turn.
*Note: games workshop takes no responsibility for likelyhood that the hrs spent on filing, preping, pinning, green stuffing, painting and basing will be much greater than the likely maximum of 20minutes gameplay this guy lasts on board before the 2seconds it took between removing him from the field and being smashed up against the far wall.
In the grim, dark, future, there is only war. The empire of man is in grave peril. Countless hordes of xeno beasts threaten the existence of mankind while the Gods of Chaos send forth their corrupting armies determined to devour the very soul of men. Yet Humanity will not go quietly into the dark abyss of the Universe. For genetically-altered, super-soldiers have arisen to defend mankind from extinction. Armed with humanity's finest weaponry, standing nearly eight foot tall, and dressed in mechanical, power armor, these stalwarts of humanity fight the forces of chaos with the grim determination and righteous zeal that may see humanity into the future. They are the Space Marines!
ReplyDeleteAnd what of the everyman? He does not stand idle for his is brave. He has taken up las gun, mounted rolling behemoths of destruction known as the Leman Russ Battle Tank, and sallied forth to fight alongside the Space Marines in the defense of humanity. For, if the soul of mankind is to be saved, it will be paid for in blood. The Imperial Guard stand as the stalwart defenders of the empire of man, thwarting xeno attacks and the corruption of Chaos from world to world. They number in the trillions, and the Imperial Guard is not to be under-estimated.
Yet, in a Universe where there is only war, where genetically-altered supermen fight ravenous hordes of alien beasts, resist the foul corruption of Chaos Gods -- where the every man has taken up arms, using the technology of the great machine masters to develop weapons of destruction so vast as to shake the very fabric of reality... their story is till unfolding, but let us not forget that these are not the only denizens of the Universe with a story to tell!
Indeed, there is another story that needs be told. The story of the mutated rat men. Once human, now abominations, these hobbits... wait that's not our IP... these RATLINGS have taken up arms together with humanity. Determined to fight for the very existence of their race, they train since birth to be equipped with the holiest of the emperor's rifles. Using the keen vision only know by rats... (wait... nevermind, we'll make that work!)... they can fire with pin point accuracy to annoy and irritate the enemy.
Known to the fearsome hordes of Chaos only as "LUNCH!!!!!", known to the ancient race of the Eldar as "Gross.. seriously??", known throughout the empire of man as "What the hell is THAT?", Ratling Snipers are here, and they are ready for WAR. Only you can tell their story now! For as you known, it is the destiny of every Ratling Sniper to climb to the summit of Mount Doom and dispose of the One Ring, the ring that rules them all, into the fiery depths, but between them and their destiny stands the xeno hordes of Orks, Tyranids, and massochist space elves... and the ever present forces of the Chaos Gods.
Fear. That shall be their name, once their story is told, and now you can begin the tale by collecting your own... RATLING SNIPERS!!!!
Damn, Neil, that was epic! I may have lol'd along with a few other annoying text accronyms! Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteDo you remember at very beginning of 3rd edition when you got a Necron Warrior with your White Dwarf subscription? Soon your foes were facing an implacable metallic assault, fleeing from the soulless blasphemies before them. If there's one thing the Necron army brings to the table it's consistency. While other armies whine and moan how each new army book forces them to make new purchases, Necrons don't have this problem! There's no need to put them back in a multi-million year stasis. You can keep fighting the same battles over, and over, and over again. The Necrons truly are the Living Dead.
ReplyDelete(Chaos Space Marine Dreadnought)
ReplyDeleteA Chaos Dreadnought is a Titan of battle blessed by the gods of chaos. Astound your friends as its colossal firepower pummels their light vehicles, or its close combat prowess pulps their elite infantry. Or, failing that, amuse them as it goes into a blood rage and shreds your own units. That will be fun too.
This box set contains one metal Chaos Space Marine Dreadnought. This 15 piece set includes a plasma cannon, a twin linked autocannon and two dreadnought close combat weapons. Model supplied with a sheet of Chaos Space Marine transfers and the opportunity to pay $15 more than your loyalist friends.
(Mogul Kamir)
ReplyDeleteMarneus Calgar. Captain Lysander. Asrubdel Vect. Eldrad Uthran. The names of these feared, unique individuals echos through the ages. But fear not, Imperial Guard player, for you have access to a man who harkens back to the feared might of the Mongolian hordes - Mogul Kamir.
Costing only as much as half a squad of Rough Riders, upgrading to Kamir will grant your horseman the power of Furious Charge as they strike their targets with weapons that use a set strength and initiative value! And to make sure that your squad remains in combat through your next shooting phase, protecting the enemy from your fire, Kamir "upgrades" them to Fearless. But no worthless upgrades are free, as your squad suffers from the Rage special rule. But don't worry, I'm sure that your opponent won't park a Rhino near you to prevent you from charging that squad of Marines that are about to decimate your entire army.
You too can field a special character that makes your squad _worse_ than it was without him. Buy Mogul Kamir today! (disclaimer: no actual model available)
(Eldar Fire Dragons)
ReplyDeleteCommand elite forces of the Fire Dragon Shrine to save your dying race! Your Fire Dragons are highly specialized soldiers who carry Fusion Guns capable of firing devastating beams of energy that will cut through both vehicle plating and heavily armoured combatants.
Upgrade Fire Dragon squads with an Exarch - Eldar who've gained special skills by dedicating their lives to war and carry ancient weapons that are even more destructive.
Instead of slowly weaving through cover, purchase a speedy Wave Serpent and watch as your opponents strongest troops and most fearsome tanks run from your infantry.
Hahaha! It's great reading all of these hilariously overhyped entries, I'll never underestimate ratling snipers again!
ReplyDeleteTau Gun Drone Squadrons - Frisbee shaped death!
ReplyDeleteWhy have one or two gun toting Frisbee's when you can have whole units of them! Watch as units of Terminators get pinned when your flying Aluminium Apple Pie dishes let loose with their twin-linked Pulse Carbines with under-slung grenade launchers!*
Behold platoons of Guardsmen flee from your automatic discs of doom as they slay rank up on rank of troops!
Why sacrifice your bovine communists for the Greater Good when you can get flying iPads do do it for you? - Let the troops sit back and drink their own milk and eat grass.
*Dose not actually fire grenades.
Lukas the Trickster
ReplyDeleteRemember how everything in the new space wolf codex is utterly amazing!!!! Well check out this new special character for your Blood Claw squad!
That's right this guy will make your super awesome, super charging, low weapon skill sqaud even better and give you another reaosn to take them instead of boring Grey Hunters.
So what super awesome special rules does this guy pack along with his seriosuly beefed statline and the loss of furious charge? (That's right he's so rebellious that he's not going to charge like a mad man!)
Pelt of the Doppegangrel - That's right, this rules doesn't really work, but nevermind! If the rest of the squad is dead and your enemy wants to attack lukas, well sucks to be him! Re-roll that attack! Man this guy is survivable!
Rebellious - Damn stright! Your Headstrong unit is now even more headstrong! With Leadership 8 your only a bit better than a basic guardsman but who cares about that when your punching ALL the faces with your super unit of Blood Claws!
The Last Laugh - This guys is so bad-ass he laughs about when a Dark Eldar Prince ripped out his secondary heart! Man he's awesome! and Lukas has now repalced it with a stasis bomb, that means that anything base to base with him has a chance to maybe be removed from play when he dies! How's that for intense! Imagine running him at the enemies HQ only for them all to go poof if he dies. I bet you can see the look of horror on their face. And if that ever happens you can bet your enemy,a nd anyone who hears about that game, will only ever tiptoe around killing Lukas! Your whole LGS will be afriad to touch your super unit letting your Blood Claw rampage across their lines!
Who waouldn't want to pay a measley £10.25 for this model, just under half the cost of 10 normal Blood Claws? I mean didn't you jsut read how epic he is!? Similarly why would you want 9 regular Blood Claws or even worse 9 Boring Grey Hunters over this guy?
just picture running 14 Blood Claws, Lukas and a Wolf Guard (because of that peasky headstrong) in a LRC towards the enemy! Everyone would be shaking in their boots knowing this amazing character is comming after them! In fact Games Workshop think this is the best way to use him (just check out our example lists for some other tactically brilliant Space Wolf armies!)
It doesn't matter that 15 Blood Claws without Lukas will destroy any unit you like on the charge becuase it's even more killy with Lukas! And it doesn't amtter that Lucas might take a Land Raider with him with his Last Laugh. It also doesn't matter that this combo would use up 3 FoC slots! Who cares about these pathetic details when you ahvea unit that can kill anything all the time forever, which these Lukas definately lets you do!
Don't hesitate and buy him now! You know who'll have the last laugh.
SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY!
ReplyDeleteOr maybe Saturday, or a Tuesday after work…
You’re ready to drive your Land Raider onto the table. Inside that MEAN MACHINE, you’ve placed five models, 200 points of your most POTENT KILLING POWER!
Your opponent’s sweating! What’s in there? He’s thinking THUNDER HAMMERS from the mighty Thor himself, or perhaps LIGHTNING CLAWS like WOLVERINE! But you’ve got surprise on your side!
You deploy Regular Terminators! Now the world will see EPIC CARNAGE!
Power Fists! Storm Bolters! Poor allocation of your army points!
You’ll laugh at the look at the look on your opponent’s face! (Note: He’ll be laughing too.)
You’ll cringe at the destruction on the table! (Note: Generally caused by your opponent smacking you around and the destruction of your army.)
Why have a 3++ save when you can have a 5++ save for the same price! Be a REAL MAN, and take regular Terminators TODAY!!!!
Contest closed, but feel free to keep the hype coming!
ReplyDelete